Cab Fare — Episode #7: “Quitting Time”

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The “Last Saturday Night” Edition…

Friday Dues

Paying Friday dues at A Service Cab, in Metairie, LA: business as usual.

Every cab driver with the freedom to choose her hours has a unique approach to quitting time. Many drivers in the uber-capitalistic wilds of Louisiana favor the money pardon—once having made a personal, daily quota, they can stay on and earn lagniappe if business is still rolling, or they can go home then and only then. Since we don’t get paychecks, this is one part of a successful strategy for making a living driving a cab. We’re not employees; we’re independent contractors. The money doesn’t flow in; it flows out. Note that independent contractors should not be confused with independent cab drivers, i.e. the cabs without name recognition driven often by immigrants and/or as a family business.

Independent contractors pay whatever company with which we contract “dues” whether we own the vehicle or not and in dubious return we reap the benefit of the company’s license to operate, their logo (for better or worse), their radio dispatching services and, in the case of renters like myself, their vehicle maintenance services. The exchange here is, I say, dubious because our contractor status means taxi companies do not comply with OSHA safety regulations in a job the Bureau of Labor Statistics reports as being 21-33 times more likely to result in our murder than any other occupation in the U.S. More to the point, in addition to not dispensing regular pay or health benefits (or benefits of any kind), taxi companies collect their dues from the still-living no matter what.

At $1440 a month to rent and $840 a month to own—not to mention gas, cleaning expenses and occasional tolls—that’s a lot of cab fare collected before one of us sees a dime of spendable currency. I figured it out one year and, on average, I have to make $2000 a month in fare and tips before I have any lunch money for myself. Or, breaking it down daily, based on a six-day work week, the first $60 cash I make goes directly to the company, the next $20-$40 goes to Exxon or Chevron (fuck Shell) and, sometime after that, I can eat. If I work only five days one week, the first $72 cash I make goes to the company; and so on… When cab drivers get sick and really have to stay off the streets, things get even dicier, to say nothing of the myriad ways in which we can be ticketed because, in addition to the police, we’re beholden to the Taxi Bureau.

Despite incredible pressure to maximize hours, not all of us choose to be dictated to by a quota—though we may (and more than likely do) have an amount in mind at the start of any given workday. Fellow Jefferson Parish driver Ricky McGehee claims he used to work 16 hour days, 7 days a week, but would take 3 days “off” every three weeks to drive to Florida to see his then-girlfriend. That’s lifer behavior, for sure, but it’s easy to get burnt out on those kinds of hours, even if a major advantage of doing that for the entire year Ricky did is that you have a basic framework for knowing when to hit the streets and when it might be in your better interest to do something else. So in addition to the quota system, a lot of drivers simply make a work schedule and more or less stick to it. This can be based on several variables, but more often than not it comes down to the dispatcher. Cab drivers tend to find a “main squeeze” in a dispatcher and some become quite loyal to that person who, unlike the driver, has a set shift schedule like that of a convenience store worker. Either way, though—quota or regularly scheduled hours, oft-printed on a business card—the cabbie has essentially married himself (roughly 80-90% at any given time in the company with which I contract) or herself (the remaining 10-20%) to the driver’s seat.

My Orleans Parish colleague Harry “Nebraska” Lehman has an approach to quitting time that he expresses with a personal maxim: Whenever something that normally would not bother him starts to bother him, he knows it is time to steer homeward. I have found this thinking useful many times since picking up two women against my better judgment in the middle of the night way out in St. Rose. They had a screaming baby. They had no car seat. They had a million mostly unpacked belongings they crammed into my front seat, back seat and trunk. They had no clear destination. They told me one place, then another, and then I was sitting in the car waiting for them at a Brother’s gas station while they bought fried chicken at four AM.

I left the meter running to help them get all of their stuff out at the cheap motel they finally settled on—(legally, the meter isn’t supposed to stop until the vehicle and driver are free to go)—and the older woman started yelling at me for that while I was trying to expedite their exit without any help. When people yell at me I rarely react well, but especially not when the bone of contention amounts to maybe fifty cents. I got everything out, collected the money, and just as I was pulling away, the older woman began yelling at me to stop. The motel was full up. They wanted me to drive them to the next one, and I foresaw an unending string of “no room at the inn” moments. Despite the baby and the hour, I decided that this was not my problem, shook my head and drove off. Her scream of Bitch! next resounded through the lot.

Naturally, I headed home after that. I can’t remember if it was Carnival time or not, but I know I had already worked an obscene amount of hours before I picked them up and I should have just gone home instead of giving into the voice that insists that you can take just one more run. That voice is up to no good, and to give in to it is to surrender your better judgment to the addictive pull of the 24/7 radio that becomes as ingrained into your psyche as the bump-and-grind effect of the dips and grooves in the I-10 between Mid-City and Lakeview while going 70 or 80 miles per hour—and just as potentially lethal. Never mind that you are working for tips and doing so by the book while people abuse your goodwill. While that’s annoying, that’s not what gets you killed—letting it get to you is what gets you killed. Or, that’s my working hypothesis.

As a service worker in a drinking city, I often find myself seeking a grace note on which to end the night. No matter how the day has been going, I look for that one person who—or experience which—will give me something new to think about, some perspective on life I previously didn’t possess. Last Saturday night, during the odd-man-out that the weekend before the Superbowl typically is, I found her when I least expected it. She waited for me despite the cold outside the Copa Cabana, a hopping Latin club on Metairie’s stretch of Airline Highway, at two in the morning. She was so happy to see that I was a woman at the precise moment when she wanted a strong, female hero. Her English was poor, and my Spanish almost non-existent, but somehow we got on. She is done with men, she declares to the insular space of the cab interior. All her life, she has only wanted men, but not anymore. Now, she wants only women.

You hear this facetiously a bit in my line of work, but unlike the others, she shook my hand, then kissed it. You drive a taxi, and you are a woman. It is so dangerous, but here you are. At first, my inner cynic suggested that she was trying to get away with a lower fare because she had handed me a wad of what looked like ones, but as I parked on the curb outside of her apartment complex, perhaps guessing my thoughts she asked me to tell her what she had given me and shook and kissed my hand once more. She had tipped me almost 100% for a relatively short run, all of $8. Then she was gone with a smile that seemed to start at her toes and carry her off into the atmosphere rather than to her door.

I wish they could all be like that. That same evening I had encountered a trio of young women who seemed to be auditioning for the alternative cast of Girls. The alpha female got in first after flagging me down at Barcadia—(and here, New Orleanians have a decided advantage over other readers because no good thing can ever come from Barcadia; the patrons, like the music, are vacuous and fatuous at best, often worse). Miss Alpha had gotten her period and her two fawning Betas were going home early without any fun having been had. The first third of our trip was spent hearing the Tragic History of Alpha’s First Day Ever of the Menstrual Cycle and the Betas’ servile replies that if their beloved Alpha could have no fun, then neither could they, fun be damned.

Sometime after that, as my brain’s defense mechanism let me drift in my own thoughts, shit got real as our 21-or-22-year-old Alpha described the night of her worst breakup, when she had drunkenly called the lad up on her cell outside of a bar to dump him. She found out from friends afterward that he had been cheating on her with an actress she didn’t really know. That’s when I got her ass fired from the Country Club, because Daddy is on the board, she boasted after singing some Taylor Swift acapella. The singing had brought my mind back to the trio in the car. It ended with a final apology for Mother Nature and a Beta mumbling something about studying pedagogy instead on a Saturday night.

Sometimes the passengers with the greatest potential to be the worst I will meet on any given evening end up reminding me how cab driving can be so fun. Two men waiting for me on an ill-lit street near the Jefferson Heights end of the levee with a bicycle, guitar and two backpacks became my working class heroes that same night. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t a fun trip. The big man, who looked not unlike Powers Boothe as Cy Tolliver in Deadwood, only dressed in t-shirt, sweatshirt and jeans, spent the first ten minutes disassembling his bike so that we could fit it in the trunk. After taking the seat and both wheels off, we still had to tie it down with the only thing on hand, a handkerchief, and hope for the best on some of the worst roads Jefferson has to offer. His friend got buried under first one guitar and the backpacks, and then a second guitar in a box, all on top of him in the backseat while his buddy shopped, my only respite the entire ride from them nagging each other like old crones.

Their story was pretty simple. They have a deal with a local rock ‘n roll “headliner” to hold his guitars for him in return for a jam session every now and then, which consists mainly of the little guy playing classic rock favorites while the big guy—the little guy’s student—adds his none-too-steady voice to what otherwise might be described as music. I know this because the big guy left his bike seat in the trunk and I had to return to give it back, at which juncture he invited me inside for a song. My instincts tell me no, I can’t, I need to go back to work, but I have learned that that voice is wrong, so I ignore the fuck out of it. Counter-intuition more often than not appears to be my best friend. I go inside. The little guy is no longer a dejected, mostly-toothless, old gasbag, but alive and well like Frampton never was with a Martin acoustic in his hands. Play that last one again, and I’ll sing, the big guy says, and they go to town on an obscure Credence Clearwater Revival song. The little guy wants to be John Fogerty so bad, he’s nearly popping out of his tie-dyed jeans to make the action on the neck look just that effortless.

Even though I don’t know the song and I hated every minute of driving these two, this aura of pure joy pervades the room. I don’t know what either of them does for a living or where they’re going next, but for just a few moments, both are so happy to be alive, singing and dancing and playing, that I forget about all of our differences and am really blessed to witness this moment, which is happening in just as sacred and sanctified a bubble as two little children playing in a field under the light of the sun. It is said again and again in various tongues that we carry our prisons around with us; but we carry the means of our redemption too. I thanked them for it with an uncontrollable smile and they reciprocated and then I stumbled back through the chill to the cab to pick up the mic. The dispatcher awaits a voice to answer his call.

Cab 109, go to where music and passion are always the fashion…

Jo Custer is a lot of things, but today she is just a writer happy to have a new post up after several months’ absence. You can follow her writing, filmmaking and cab driving adventures @Sonuvab and/or by following this blog. This summer she’ll be writing Cab Fare: The Book.

Cab Fare — Episode #5: OTR in Louisiana

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I’m always late to the party…

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Today is Tuesday, May 14, and I am ensconced in the airport Motel 6 in Monroe, Louisiana for a second night and possibly until Friday morning. I haven’t figured out why yet, but the air here smells particularly unappetizing. Nothing has smelled right since somewhere past Lafayette Sunday evening, not long after I left New Orleans, and now three distinct regions of Louisiana bring a certain olfactory expectation with them according to their cuisine. The Creole cooking of New Orleans I associate with subtle spice and night blooming jasmine, the Cajun cooking I’ve yet to try in the central/southern part of the state I already associate with the bayou air of the Atchafalaya Basin, while the barbecue of the western and northern ridges redoles of overpopulous refineries and freshly dead livestock.

I didn’t notice the drop in appetite until today when I went to a Chinese buffet against my better judgment. Some Asian buffets in Louisiana excel. There’s one in particular I like in Hammond, when I’m there. Any Chinese restaurant bearing the Englished-over name of Peking rather than its phonetically more Chinese rendering of Beijing is bound to disappoint but, tired of breathing the air outside, I relented and went inside. I ate for protein and vitamins, but even the sushi and salad seemed distressed, the cucumbers tasting like they had lived very unhappy, water-starved, little lives.

You’re probably wondering what the hell I’m doing in Monroe, Louisiana working out of the cab and choking down sad cucumbers. It’s a good question, a fair question — after all, just a little over two weeks ago, the Kickstarter for Sonuvabitch ended and we didn’t make our goal. I’ve been quiet on the social media since. Many have ascribed emotions to me that I haven’t felt. Mainly, I’ve just been working. The good news: Of the backers I’ve been able to talk to, all but two have renewed their pledges so that we may shoot this fall. The better news: I’m one of the drivers working on the other side of the state out of motel rooms and, if the work lasts long enough, I should be able to finance the remainder of the film. I’ve asked cast and crew to work without pay. For the most part, I’m not receiving much resistance. Right now, it’s good to have a break from the madness of trying to make and finance a film. Breaks can be invigorating, as can changes of scenery and routine. The last three days have provided a lot of scenery and are not yet routine.

Those closest to me in the last year know how I’ve grown to almost despise the cabbying life. It takes too much energy and time away from the writing and filming life. It requires too much of my attention — any — and often for little recompense. In times of feast, a driver has to lay plenty by for the famine, which often stretches from just after jazz fest until Halloween or later. It is a 70-75 hour week just to get by even in fair times and there have been far too many weeks where I was ready to split and the only reason I didn’t was because of the archetypal mystique of cabbying and its meager rewards. People think it’s cool. They want to know more.

What a sorry crutch for any writer or creator to nurse, and I haven’t even nursed it well. My cabbying days are numbered, have no doubt.

But the numbers haven’t come to an end just yet.

As with everything in life, nothing’s worth doing if it isn’t worth writing about. This new state-wide view from my steering wheel has pumped fresh blood to my brain and writing arm alike. This is Day Three of my new adventure and already I know more about this place in which I have lived for three years. I’ve driven through towns the Louisiana born and bred taxi company manager hasn’t even heard of.

I’ve seen a few things. I won’t surround your senses with Cajun country just yet. I haven’t seen enough of it and there’s too much I don’t know. But the insulating borders of the state intrigue me.

Some say that the western and northernmost borderlands of Louisiana might as well be Texas and Texarkana, respectively. These areas have verifiable similarities in styles of living, architecture and in accents. The architecture strikes me the most. There’s no joy in much of it. It isn’t typically hardcore western frontiers that might only last a few months before a new gold rush dictates a move of business and which demands, then, a prominent place for a sign more than any other consideration. It’s mainly low ceilinged structures with posts extending across the front porch so that the inhabitants can sit on the porch and catch the breezes without the other weather intruding.

Function trumps comfort; blandness, decoration.

I have often thought in the last three years that I would have trouble after this living anywhere a person identifying as male and heterosexual might have a problem emerging day after day from a house painted pink. So the juxtaposition of houses found in New Orleans and, say, Mansfield is sharp. The construction of them may as well be a century apart.

Last week, before I began living out of motels and had to drive back to New Orleans after every increasingly tiring trip, I was making my way back from the city I’m stationed outside of now, via US 61 south, when I saw a billboard telling me to stop at the plantation home of President Jefferson Davis. My memory has been failing a lot lately and so the only thought that really ran through my mind was that if there was a president I couldn’t recall, then it must be my duty as a lover of history to stop and refresh my memory. I needed a stretch anyway. I got to a pair of pillars off a state highway and read the following sign:

Please do not drive through the lane unless you plan to tour the house. It causes damage to the road. Thank you.

I shrug and continue down the lane. Of course I’ll take the tour.

After I park and go into the lobby of a converted outer building, I am greeted by a woman with a Texas accent I can’t quite place and am distracted during our entire conversation by the conversation between a man to my left and the couple with whom he is talking. The woman, the docent, tells me that the couple is from Maine — a man from Connecticut and a woman from Boothbay — and yet the man with whom they are speaking is prattling on about how he doesn’t understand how America could have “given it all away” in reparations. The couple is being polite in the New England sense — which is to say that they are listening to what he has to say without replying. I get a mild sense of vertigo as the docent takes ten dollars from me and directs me toward a gazebo-like structure to listen to a full ten minutes of audio touting what a good man Jefferson Davis was.

That’s Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy of the United States. Oh yes, it’s all coming back to me now…

I sit and listen to the audio which insists that Davis didn’t want to secede from the Union, but rather wanted states’ rights and state sovereignty. I actually don’t care about this. I believe in states’ rights as well, as long as we can all agree that human life is sacred. The bit about how the northern states used slavery as an emotional and political issue, though, leaves me a little cold. I’ve read the Civil War era letters insisting that Lincoln was a puppet being used against the South. I have no time for such speculation. The only thing that should matter is that an imbalance was corrected that had nothing to do with money or land or the price of cotton.

The rest of the tour is easier to take. It involves the plantation’s original architecture and heirlooms and graves and I even get to sit on the back verandah and listen to some audio that is supposed to be the voice of Jane Davis, Jefferson’s mother. I sniffed the pollen laden breezes and watched the lizards leap on her prize roses.

Sometimes New Orleans makes it easy to forget where I am. The day I left was Mother’s Day and there was a shooting at the parade. Many Louisianans fear and despise New Orleans and its drunkenness, violence, and excess. I see the looks on their faces when they realize a New Orleans cab driver has crossed their paths. They often cannot look away, wondering what on earth could have brought a cab so many miles away from all the very busy, important people who have to get to their hotels, restaurants, and bars. What could there possibly be here for someone who would prefer all that to God’s country?

Yet, when I drive through the town of Bastrop, Louisiana at 3:30 am — an eleven thousand person establishment whose city page lauds it as ‘a place where business is done by a handshake, where folks still wave to one another and say “how are you?” and where newcomers are welcomed with open arms’ — the only gas station open has a night box where newcomers and town folks alike stand in line to pay for gas.

I’ll take the dangerous place with less fear on pump one, please. Fill ‘er up.





Jo Custer is a New Orleans writer/director/producer and cab driver who has recently discovered the simple joy of a frozen strawberry daiquiri in a motel room with nothing to do but hit “publish.”

SONUVABITCH: Returning from Nothing

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The independent film community recreates a theme so often that at times I’m convinced we’re really at work perfecting how to not make film as an artistic approach, replete with its own rules of expression, more often than the actual business of filmmaking.

It happens, you know?

An actor presents a director with an openness to revisiting a role. A treatment goes into circulation, exciting the crew, to whom the process matters most. A second treatment draft sprouts the first draft of a script which also goes into circulation. People respond, some tried and tested, some new. Feedback returns, to be carefully weighed, eschewing commentary on that which will change. More drafts go out. More readers surface. More feedback returns. A few select readers — (the smallest contingent, because even stout enthusiasts weary of rereading) — stay the course but start to grind gears over minutiae having more to do with screenwriting technicalities than storytelling. The thrill of Kickstarter success wears off.

The high from the last film, finally cut, dissipates eventually too.

An independent filmmaker/cab driver faces her first summer of explosive heat, low tide business and a hurricane. After having been single for four years, she starts dating again and, sensing a glimmer of hope for an actual relationship, throws out a silent, temporary towel without so much as an email to the team. She’s been working on not one but two films for too long and she’s worn out. Some of the crew members have moved on. She’ll form a stronger team later. The best of them will be ready to return to making the film when the potential is hotter than the air.

A few months go by and she reaches out to people sporadically, a cat stretching her limbs, not ready to pounce quite yet, but checking all the muscles for the inevitable and anticipated. She writes a couple more drafts and reconnects with people over the script, some of whom thought the project may have been permanently shelved — because, hey, it happens.

It happens all the time, but it was never going to happen to Sonuvabitch. Almost a year to the day after appearing in treatment form, the not-quite-ten-page script Sonuvabitch has audition dates at The Shadowbox Theatre. The curtain will come up at 12:30 on Saturday, January 26 at which point Casting Director Michael Martin and Director Jo Custer will have to dance with the Mardi Gras clock to cast the film with talents who can commit to the production schedule.

Sonuvabitch goes into production on Sunday, May 19th. On that day, we’ll shoot the opening scene and the transitional scene, both interiors. On Monday, May 20th, we’ll shoot at least three of the four exteriors. We’ll be up very early that day and likely driving a fair amount. Saturday, May 25 and Sunday, May 26, we’ll be shooting a six page scene set in a jail.

Hurricanes and relationships come and go, but given enough time for reflection and personal and professional growth, a Jo Custer film is a sure thing. I can’t wait to get down to the real creative work.

Today finds me meeting with Hotcakes co-producer, editor and IT guru Bob Krieger about the Sonuvabitch website. We may go with another WordPress, we may not. After that, the New Orleans Video Access Center (NOVAC) has its “3rd Thursday” at Rock ‘n Bowl. There’s a Big Lebowski theme that has me thinking about wearing this pink, fuzzy bathrobe within which I’m currently ensconced. Or not.

Decisions, decisions…

Jo Custer is the writer / director / producer of Hotcakes and Sonuvabitch, the latter of which is in pre-production. She’s also working on a video discussion series called Reel Point of View, a few sundry articles for which she is still researching and interviewing, and soon will embark on some film writing for a great, online feminist rag.

You can best keep up with the ongoing making of Sonuvabitch and the rest — not to mention Jo’s “Cab Fare” series — by following this blog.

Cab Fare – Episode #3

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New Orleans East, Land of All Our Hopes and Dreams.

Every occupation has its hazards, but for some reason, the majority of the population believes the cab driver to be a constantly endangered species. We had a new murder among us in New Orleans East last week. I didn’t hear of it until my housemate returned from San Diego. She and her boyfriend, their brows furrowed, hit me with the news. A cab driver turned up dead behind an apartment building in an area from which I pick up on occasion. The East, as it’s known locally, is always a little dicey. A good analogy might be that if New Orleans were New York, The East would be Hoboken. Or Newark.

Cab drivers, in my experience, are solitary creatures. One of my favorite dispatchers, a fellow writer, once said: “Cab drivers aren’t exactly known for their recognition of authority figures.” That might seem like a non-sequitur, but in truth, we tend to be so independent, so judgmental of herd mentalities, of people who can’t think or strategize for themselves, that we tend not to listen to anyone but ourselves. We also, with few and rare exceptions, don’t talk much outside of chance meetings while paying dues. I’m one the few drivers who has almost a dozen of the other drivers’ numbers, most of whom I call or talk to in person fairly regularly. I didn’t hear about the shooting in the East from any of them.

When people get into my cab, the conversation typically starts with the question, “Aren’t you scared, driving at night?” Or, it addresses my gender, which just boils down to the same thing, except wrapped in an unwelcome package. I’ve never cared much for the suggestion that I might be more at-risk than the next cab driver on the sole count of my being a woman. In fact, I dismiss it as fear-mongering, the kind that limits women’s habits and behavior too much. Several cab drivers have been attacked or killed since I started hacking — and I’ve heard all sorts of stories in the same vein, going back a few decades — and not a single one of those incidents involved a woman.

Probably my favorite conversation regarding my gender and its dubious connection to the more traditional shapes of cab drivers represented in the media occurred when I picked up a small bevy of Morgan City Cajuns with accents worthy of a movie of the week.

“I don’t believe,” Mr. Thibodaux (fake name) opened, drawlingly, “I’ve ever encountered a female cab driver before — and an American, to boot.” Women tend to be females more often than not in the southern vernacular, a trend I find viscerally off-putting, especially when preceded by the. He follows up with, “You are American, aren’t you?”

Normally, I wouldn’t let him get away with that and would spin the conversation around artfully, but I detected a playful note in his throaty voice and took a slightly different tack.

“Well, I was born in Maine, so I’m more American than you are.”

Thibodaux’s buddies in the back seat howled. “She’s got you there, pard!” one cried, and they all decided they liked me. Cajuns are funny, especially when you call them on shit. We ended up having a genuinely enjoyable cab ride to the Acme Oyster House, and Long John Thibodaux even took my card, saying he might be interested in investing in a film. I already knew that’s not happening, but it was nice of him to think of it as a possibility. More often than not, candor opens up a lot of doors — though it has the power to shut them too.

One of the major judgment calls I’ve had to make as a cab driver concerns an area known as Stand Six, which comprises all of Kenner north of Interstate 10, a rather large area to be considered a discrete stand. It used to be two stands, Five and Six, but was consolidated for reasons unknown into just plain Six, leaving no Five and confusing the hell out of many a new cab driver, since there’s no Stand Seven either. Those who know New Orleans’ redheaded suburb Kenner will not be surprised to learn that a certain portion of its nocturnal activities are given to people without cars — or without any desire for identifiers — who make their merry way typically to lower Kenner, south of the airport, to obtain their drug of choice. The first time this happened, things got a tad too personal for me.

I tend to love transvestites. I find them endearing. One of my brothers used to dress up in my mother’s negligees and heels and often put on makeup (sometimes, I helped) and call himself by a traditionally female name that only changed one letter of his given name. We thought it was adorable. So when I pick up my first transvestite, my heart strings flutter. I smile. I can’t help myself. I probably start using the word baby a little too gratuitously too, a word I’ve picked up more occupationally than personally. It helps to smooth the little pains a New Orleans cabbie can too often experience, floating from bar to bar.

She gets into my car and tells me she can’t say where we’re going, a sure sign of trouble. When I was just starting out, if I didn’t have an address to plug into the GPS, I would get a little worried unless it was a major landmark. When the passenger needs to make a series of calls to discern the destination, I still get downright anxious. We’re within 300 feet of the place when she finally discovers where we’re going, exactly. Half a dozen young men wait for us in a staggered sort of formation outside of a smallish shotgun house. She gets out of the car and makes a transaction right outside my window. I try very hard not to look, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t green. From the way she was acting, it was probably cocaine.

I also try not to think about the number of concealed weapons I can’t see.

As long as the transaction takes place outside the cab, I’m told, I’m not at fault. But I suspect that when I’ve seen it happen and the buyer gets back into the cab, I am. So I’m pretty annoyed with her right now, especially when she decides she wants to make a stop at the Brothers gas station up the street. I need gas anyway, so I tell her I’ll make her a deal and stop the meter while I fuel up, if that’s alright with her. It is. This is how I make nice.

While we’re inside the Brothers waiting in line to pay, she checks out my ass in the same way most convenience store patrons check out the front page of a newspaper they aren’t going to buy. “You really have no ass at all, do you?” she says. It’s a statement, not a question. All I can think about is George Carlin’s bit about the profound differences between a black ass and a white, because now I kind of want to hit her. When she’s two dollars short on the fare later on back at her place, the punching impulse returns. When I’m watching television news coverage about a shooting at an apartment building that looks just like hers a week later, I wonder if she got in over her head. Hard to say. Kenner attracts idle people with bad habits like an unsown field attracts weeds.

One of her relatively near neighbors hopped into my cab late one night, only a bit more forthcoming about the entire affair. The complaint you most often hear about black drug dealers and users from white cab drivers concerns a perception of naivety or out-and-out stupidity. To wit, certain veteran white cab drivers feel like these passengers think they’re stupid, like they don’t actually know what’s going on. I’m not sure that’s the correct analysis. I think more often than not, the passenger simply doesn’t care. That seemed to be the case with this guy, since he took me up a few streets before we found the right one, and then he had to literally get out of the cab and go door to door to find his dealership.

When he gets back into the cab, certain he has found the right house, he tells me we need to hit an ATM and mentions one around the corner. He already put $40 on the front seat as soon as he stepped into the cab, but the meter’s approaching that number rapidly. Never mind that ordinarily his ride would have only cost about $15. I turn the corner and mention back that the ATM he’s thinking of is in a gas station that’s closed. No, it’s open, he says. We go that way. It isn’t open. So we go to the next gas station, three miles down the road.

As it turns out, he has to go back to the neighborhood we were just in, and he puts another $40 down on the front seat before he gets out and starts talking to the people spilling into the street as the sun limns the horizon. A woman takes out her trash and steps onto the pavement. Three guys wander up from an apartment building, cloistered together. My guy stands in the middle of all of this as more and more people join them. When he finally gets back into the cab, people have to part like a curtain for us to get through them all.

On the way back to upper Kenner, to his place not far from the lake, he has relaxed some. His purchase is secured and safe in his pocket and he’s looking forward to his day.

Halfway back to his place, he clears his throat.

“I was really impressed with your demeanor through all of that.”

“Thanks,” I say. I felt neutral about it, to be entirely honest.

“Can I get your number? I’d like to take you out to dinner.”

“Thanks, but I don’t do that.”

“You don’t go out to dinner? You got a boyfriend or something?”

“Yes,” I lie. I figure I will need all the excuses I can muster with this guy.

“How about lunch? Can I take you out to lunch?”

“Nah, I don’t think that would be such a good idea.”

“I mean, like a business lunch. I’d like you to be my personal driver.”

“So I can be at your beck and call to pick you up whenever you want drugs?”

This takes him aback. I don’t think he thought me naive. I think I broke a code. We’re not supposed to talk about these things, apparently. I bow out of the dubious position. Maybe it’s because I went from potential girlfriend to personal chauffeur in under two minutes.

Hard to say.

I picked him up only one more time before I decided I didn’t want to take these kinds of orders anymore and stopped playing Stand Six at night. When he gets into the cab, as so many men often do, he has the words, “What’s up, brother?” on his lips and has already started talking about his day in a friendly manner. Then he sees who’s driving.

“Oh. It’s you.”

A stony silence follows, followed again by recriminations I’ve apparently inherited from our last encounter. Some passengers really do expect their cab drivers to entertain them. He obviously wanted me to, for sure, but I was in no mood for it. This was awkward. Even for me, this was awkward. I had half a mind to throw him out of the cab, but at some point when he mentions how much fun he’s not having, I tell him that if he just chills out, we’ll get through the cab ride just fine, and ask if I’m taking him to the same street. I don’t think he likes the fact that I still remember the street, a blindside many passengers have.

He has me park at a closed gas station on Loyola Avenue this time, a pretty rough section of town. This means he has to walk a block or two to make his buy, which is fine with me. It’s possible that by having me park there, he was being somewhat chivalrous. A guy with a cell phone and a not so fully concealed gun has been hanging out in an abandoned apartment back that way. I know that because I picked him up three times in one day, only to be approached by the little girl from next door whose father told her to tell me that no one lived in Apartment C. These, fair Kenner, are the people in your neighborhood.

My dispatcher comes on the radio to ask me how I’m doing. Sometimes a new driver takes this question, always phrased the same way, literally, and we all hear the dispatcher reply, I wasn’t enquiring after your health or some such. I tell him where I am and that I’m on a continuous, the kind of continuous I’d rather not be on. Oh, it’s one of those, he says. He used to be a cab driver too, but some serious health problems and a general disdain and mistrust of people got in the way. I tell him that I’m not going to take these kinds of runs anymore. He doesn’t blame me. Then don’t take those kinds of runs anymore.

That same week, a cab driver friend of mine named John pulled up in that same area and proceeded to wait for the guy to come out of the abandoned house. I called him on the phone to tell him what the little girl had told me and to warn him that he had been really active with us lately and to watch himself. I hated to do it because John was once attacked by four youths who stabbed him repeatedly and left him for dead in an empty lot. If it hadn’t been for the dispatch radio, he would more than likely be dead. He pressed the dispatcher so much for a phone call that the dispatcher told him to calm down and not be so impatient about leaving the premises. After three minutes, we’re allowed to start the meter. After five, we can just take off. Most of us will wait when it’s slow, but if we have any reason to believe that there’s danger or a hassle afoot, we tend not to stick around.

I never like to cause fear in anyone and hate to hear it in their voices or see it in their actions. It sends ’round ripples. But, you have to watch yourself out there, player.

I’ve been hearing that one since before I left Pittsburgh, where I lived as a minority in a neighborhood in upheaval from threatening gentrification. I prefer to leave it at that.

Jo Custer is a writer and an independent filmmaker trying to make a living out of that and cab driving. Some days work better than others. The next episode of Cab Fare will be up Wed., August 1. Follow her on Twitter (#cabfare) or friend her on Facebook if you wish.

Casting for Independence

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Recently, I sent out a casting call to a few places on the web in the hopes of eschewing the bottom-feeder element among those who troll regularly on craigslist looking for “speaking parts” and roles that pay, a sorry impediment for any independent filmmaker in any of the 43 states which employ a tax credit. I kept it brief and to-the-point.

Here’s a screen cap of the thing:

A Final Draft script page followed that announcement with centered character names and character descriptions where the dialogue normally goes, like so.

I thought when I sent it like so that it would attract talented people who might enjoy fun, creativity and a relief from the often too businesslike nature of a highly malleable artform. I thought it might speak to some people — and it did. Utilizing my direct, one-on-one approach to all communication surrounding this casting call, I’ve found a few people who will be auditioning with me in my home starting this month. I’ve even found a couple of probable crew members — people with gumption and drive, people who speak up.

But as the net so often facilitates, I also turned up something unpleasant: The Professional Extra. If you’ve never dealt with A Professional Extra, here’s an example of what a run-in between an independent filmmaker and The Professional Extra looks like. First, his initial response, or what non-filmies might call an application for employment…

did treme, the tomb, breakout kings. Sunuvabitch western short audition. batob rouge [name and number omitted] 5’11”, 228 lbs, shoe 10, coat 44L, pants 38w/32seam, shirt 17.5 L. baton rouge . age 50 aug2012. [sic]

He sends this appalling introduction to himself as a person along with six attachments, all of which are non-professional head shots and none of which are a resume, reel or a link to a piece of his work. In keeping with my tradition of personal contact, I respond.

Thanks for responding. Apologies for the late response, but I like to handle the casting communication one-on-one. It takes more time, but it’s better quality in the long run. I have a few concerns. You mention Treme, The Tomb and Breakout Kings, but no independent films. Have you ever worked on a smaller set before? Also, in addition to not having a professional head shot, you don’t have a resume or a reel for me to look over? Finally, you live in Baton Rouge. That’s a ways away for an audition, especially without a res, reel or head shot. If you can handle guns, especially, that needs to be spelled out in your resume… Let me know if maybe you just overlooked these things or if you can put them together and we’ll talk some more. Thanks again, and thanks for your patience.

Fair enough, right? Mm. My friend Jeremy Sloan’s advice not to respond to people who didn’t comply with the casting call criteria starts looking like gold with his next email:

I think the instructions, in the holding tent: posts, should be more clear as to the need.  We were instructed to submit for extra/background work.  I’ve heard horror stories about independent films and how the cast background were treated.  Please remove me.

My gut tells me that if his request is sincere, his email ends here. It does not:

for the record: I worked at Sony Pictures/The Culver Studios in California on 33films, 22music videos and 9 TV-sit-coms.  Im also a dance-choreographer with Military experience: my weapon is the M-16, .380 handgun, M-60 & M-30 rapid-fire tripods, explosives and I shot “sharp-shooter” 37/40 when qualifying with the weapon.  No one worth their weight in salt, would refer to a fire-arm as a “gun” had they ever truly handled one. I also, can perform/execute the 21point fire-arm inspection in the 21seconds required & take one apart, clean it and put it back together … but thanks.

So I respond, probably a little rashly, but now, I have a pretty fine point to make:

I’m sorry you were misinformed. I never use background or extras in any of my films. We don’t have the time to train non-professional actors who don’t already live and breathe the theatre and film world and have a basic understanding of project needs, how communication works, and who lack the fundamental understanding that the first words out of any actor’s mouth should be inquiring after the story. And since I pay all of my people, I like the extra layer of comfort knowing that they’ve earned it — and aren’t just looking for handouts. Please consider yourself removed from this one-on-one communication. Truly, no reply is necessary.

..and part of that point involves shameless invoking my Vietnam vet father:

But I will forward your email to my 30 year military father. He will laugh, no doubt.

We’ll stop here for now — partly because we’ll need a little more backstory to continue and partly for suspense’s sake. The backstory: I ran into fellow filmmakers Dave Kirtland and Tracey Davenport last summer and we talked about people we had both worked with and how independent filmmakers really do need to share more so that we can get screwed less. At the moment, it would appear that we’ve both hired a heroin addict in the past, which might help to explain why he crapped out on both of our projects, but certainly doesn’t help us — especially since we’d had no communication regarding said employee during the long-past, critical, respective timeframes. Hindsight indeed.

My feeling on Professional Extras is mixed. I certainly don’t want to equate them with or treat them as heroin addicts — and, as I pointed out to my co-producer, considering some of the things heroin addicts do for money to fill their veins, set work ain’t that bad.

But I feel as though a cattle element has muddied the waters for too many aspiring actors and I’d like to clear the air a little, for the percentage of people who are accustomed to responding to casting calls as though they were little more than measurements when they would much rather be reading script after script. I know you’re out there, and that’s why I take the time to respond to my casting call trawling yield, despite the surprises of the net.

Let’s start with the basics and hopefully get more in-depth from there:

1.) You are a person, not a set of numbers. Is it good to have this information at hand? Absolutely. I just spent weeks getting measurements from one of my actors way in advance of his performance or even a rehearsal because we need to outfit him for the poster. Part of the reason it took weeks is that he’s a stage actor and not accustomed to this part of the regimen. Wardrobes are scrounged and adjusted for actors and the process is seldom quite so corporate as studio film sets tend to be. We could do with less of that, not more. Sizes and looks shouldn’t matter nearly as much as they do. That’s one of the powers that independent filmmakers stand up to every day, fist out, ready for the tank to roll us.

2.) You should have something to say. You should be looking for a role that will challenge you, a script that will move you or make you think differently about the world, or at least about some part of it. You won’t get a script sent back to you because of a set of measurements. You’ll get a script sent back to you by virtue of your ability to communicate who you are, what you’re looking for and what you bring to the table. I’ve never minded working with people with little experience. What I mind are the folks who don’t try or who are too impatient or full of themselves to recognize an opportunity for future work.

3.) While you’re at it, never send a response to a casting call from your phone unless it is wicked smart and you’re prepared to write 500 words with clarity of spelling, mechanics, grammar and punctuation. This should be a given, but I get that most of us are on the go. You should also always try to make sure you get it “in one” — meaning that you provide all the materials requested on the first go. If you forget something, follow up by all means, but don’t follow up needlessly. Don’t send a second email telling me that you’ve lost weight since the last head shot and a third email to tell me how much weight, exactly. One, I don’t care. Two, it makes me think you’re too insecure to have good camera presence.

4.) I’m not sure when references ceased to be a part of a resume, but it appears to have coincided with the equation of a “C” grade with that of an “A.” In my day, you had to earn an “A” and a “C” meant you were simply checking off the list. References should be on your resume, not name-dropping. It doesn’t matter if you worked on Django Unchained if I can’t call Quentin Tarantino to ask him how you were to work with, one on one. This independent filmmaking sphere contrasts sharply with the larger sets and some of us would never want that to change. Matthew Libatique said in an interview years ago that he never wanted to direct on a Hollywood set again because, unlike his role as a DP, he never even got to talk to the actors. That’s even truer on pay channel TV shows like Treme. Directors come and go; the DP runs the show. Even if you somehow ascend from the ranks of A Professional Extra, chances are the only references you can send me are going to be in costume, hair and makeup or other actors. That’s assuming they remember your name.

5.) Go out into the independent world and get dirty, my friends. Don’t stay thirsty. New Orleans has a vibrant arts scene and actors are constantly in demand onstage and in student films, both of which are a great way to start. With Fringe Festival coming up this November, even more opportunities to wet your beak will appear. Take advantage. The commitments on student films and opps like Fringe are small but sturdy. You get a real view into what it’s like to be a professional actor and then you have a trail to follow. I dropped out of a grad program in film because it wasn’t a good fit, not because I hate students or learning. You should always be a student of whatever field you pursue and hiring someone who has helped out a student likes me just fine. It’s a solid.

6.) Don’t count the lines, lest you discount the heart. I used to do that, in dramatics, as a kid. I would always feel so disappointed whenever I got another role that was “just a few lines.” I wasted quite a few roles with my disappointment, which is doubtless part of the reason why even in my final role in high school I didn’t get cast as the lead. I got cast as Liz King, Police Chief, NYPD in My Gun is Pink. You can bet your ass I didn’t throw that part away. I gave it all I got — because deep down, I knew that had I not been such a horse’s ass, I would have been Babe. When working in film, you can’t have any expectations about dialogue. It’s a visual medium. It took me 17 years to figure out the importance of giving it your all in the small things, but when I mention film, the importance doubles. For one thing, your performance is static. The best thing we get from you is the best thing we get from you, and that’s what goes into the cut. We can’t cut a character out of a film because I don’t write extraneous characters. If you turn in a shitty performance, all we can do is cut your part down. Trust me: You don’t want to be that gal or guy. The editor will not speak kindly of you and, frankly, neither will I. Give all or nothing. Those are your options.

7.) As crew member and friend Casey Moore is fond of pointing out, the short filmmakers of today are the feature filmmakers of tomorrow. Oh, some of us will fall by the wayside. Filmmaking is a lot of work and most people don’t find that out until they’ve failed a few times and feel too beaten to move. But the vibrancy of your art community and its hiring potential is in your hands, to some extent. When you see people expending effort, do yourself and your community a small favor and expend some back in their direction. It will never be wasted where it is appreciated, I can guarantee you that.

That pretty much covers the major flaws I detected in my casting call responses. Of course, some things simply go beyond repair. While I was responding to all of my potential actors and crew members, I duly forwarded my Professional Extra’s email thread to my father with a brief preface:

Hey Dad. We’ve been casting for the next film … I got this response from a guy which I thought you might get a kick out of. Were you aware that when you refer to a firearm as a gun, you obviously don’t know what a firearm is? I did not and I want to take this opportunity to yell at you for leaving that out of my education ;-)

To which my Dad replied in his own, charming way:

Hey Johanna – While in the Navy, I had to qualify on the range on the 12 Guage riot pump shotgun  & standard issue .38 revolver (prior to the D.C. riots, lootings, sit-ins in ’68) and before that the M-60 machine gun (we carried two in the after station windows in the P-2V in Vietnam). I guess we weren’t  well schooled in movie lingo — we just called them guns. Sorry for the shortcomings of your education. Penn State was supposed to pick up the slack!!!

Meanwhile, The Professional Extra can’t help but take one more predictable shot, since I promised my Dad would laugh:

the laugh will come when your film hits the screen

I manage somehow — though just barely — not to reply that I would certainly hope so. It is, after all, a comedy.

Our last film, Hotcakes, has a few laughs in it too. We’ve sent it to a few fests and today I said the hell with the password protection. You can watch its entirety on Vimeo.

Jo Custer is a writer and an independent filmmaker trying to make a living out of that and cab driving. Some days work better than others. The next episode of Cab Fare will be up Wednesday, July 18. Follow on Twitter (#cabfare) or friend her on Facebook if you wish.

Cab Fare — Episode #2

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I JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON… ARE YOU AVAILABLE?

Swamp outside Gramercy, LA along the Airline Highway (US 61). Yes, they have a jail there.

I picked up an ex-con for the second time before I realized it was his primary occupation. He’s a convivial sort of fellow, very easy to talk to, even if he doesn’t always know how to have a two-way conversation. At the very least, he never bores when his sentences begin to run a tad too long. I didn’t ask what he had served time for; I never do. He bragged of other places he had been, but spoke of Angola in a more demure tone when I mentioned it. “I think I could get in there,” he told me. “I think now I’ve got that kind of pull.”

Only a month before its controlling company laid off half the staff of New Orleans’ only newspaper, Times-Picayune reporter Cindy Chang began reporting the findings of a year’s worth of investigations into how Louisiana became the prison capitol of the world and what that has come to mean for the state and its citizens. In the 1990s, the state responded to the prisoner surplus by empowering sheriffs to build prison additions to their jails, offering a monetary incentive out of the state coffers of $25 per prisoner per day. Already taxed to supply basic, necessary equipment for their deputies, the sheriffs took such action that today, Louisiana has five times and thirteen times the incarceration rates of Iran and China respectively per capita, with some of the most aggressive sentencing in the country. The story is so involved and fascinating and the observations and conclusions so woeful that it got picked up by NPR’s Fresh Air.

There’s rather a schism between Louisiana’s jails and prisons. In prisons inmates learn a trade, work a job or attend classes. In jail inmates lay around. The average life expectancy of a Louisiana con is 72 years, with the last 20 years of their lives spent much of the time in bed, too sick to work. It’s easy to ferret how prison might be seen by a con as something to which he should aspire, especially one with a reputation — like Angola.  The average sentence in Angola is 25 years to life. That’s one of those prisons where freed men have been known to walk right up to the door and knock, begging to be let back in. Their artists and the rodeo they put on are almost as famous as their inmates’ crimes are infamous. An actress friend of mine once expressed interest in going to the rodeo and seeing some of the art work, though she said they’re not allowed to sell.

I didn’t ask my charge what it would take to find himself ensconced within Angola’s walls. That seemed too intimate a question. Since I had picked him up before, I knew I would eventually pick him up again, and that changes things substantially. With regulars especially, a sturdy wall of circumspection is prescribed. My cab — like 99% of other cabs — sports no plexiglass divider because they’re too costly. The smart cab driver substitutes that old divider metaphysically, by creating a supple, adequate buffer of separation. The sum total of what I put out there — via speech, body language and even driving tactics — always adds up to the same thing: You have your world and I have mine. I control the merging of our worlds, often with little more than the cab as the linking narrative.

Of course, some passengers don’t recognize our separateness. Usually, the drunker they are, the less they recognize where their life ends and yours begins — and this is very much in the physical world because drunk people don’t have time for the metaphysical. If they did have time for it, they wouldn’t be drunk, but perfectly sober, trying to see if they could make you drunk on the sheer abstraction and articulation of their every thought.

Tucked away in a seedy elbow of Metairie, there sits a bar called Cocktails and Dreams. Nothing on the outside of the place gives any indication of its name. Not until driving right up to it, amid crankily parked pickups and hot rods and deceptively deep gravel puddles, does the name present itself in a semi-circle from the trim of the bar’s colorful clock, inside. Only two kinds of clientele leave the inner sanctum of Cocktails and Dreams to stumble out into a cab, the drunk and randy and the randier — but also more drunk.

One of the nights I picked up a couple with long neck High Lifes still in their hands stands out above the rest. They were originally both going to the same address. It didn’t work out that way in the end, though. He stuck his hand down the front of her shirt and the only way that I know this — because I didn’t see it firsthand; I seldom, if ever, look — is because she announced that he had done so, and followed up with a report on how uncomfortable that made her feel inside a taxicab. I drove on, silently.

Often, as a cabbie, the mission is all.

When we arrive at her place, they have a rather lengthy discussion — about $4 worth of idle metering — and he gets back in the cab and supplies a second address. He is very put out. It takes him about 10 seconds after her rejection to lay it all out for me.

“That was my ex-girlfriend. I just got out of jail and she won’t give me no pussy. Can you believe that?” There’s a beat. It isn’t a long one, but I hear it and I know what’s next, before he even says it. It’s that kind of beat. “Are you available?” He doesn’t laugh, but I do.

In retrospect, I wish I had been up on the Louisiana prison system in advance of this particular meeting because I had no idea what he was talking about at the time and, lacking a proper context, failed to retain any of the names he mentioned — not even the name of the jail he’d gotten out of after 14 months. Naturally, I steered the conversation back to his former life, rather than his hopes for the evening’s outcome. I’ve gotten a lot of marriage proposals in the cab and have been asked out a few times (that’s a whole, ‘nother post), but this was the first time I’d been explicitly propositioned for sex.

So I used my years of phone room training and started by validating his feelings.

“Wow. If I had been locked up for 14 months, I’d feel the same way you do.”

Then I started asking about what jail was like, as any curious person might probe an expert. Never underestimate the psychological need of nearly any man to feel like an authority on a subject he knows enough to talk about at length, especially if it furnishes him with a means to save face. The ride was only a few miles away, but I remember enough to say that this man must have been released from one of the jails-turned-prison, and not a prison. He had never learned a trade and found being locked up boring in the extreme. He had no idea what he was going to do, but he didn’t want to go back.

I should also mention that in addition to paying for his lady friend’s fare, he tipped me rather well, after asking me one more time if I was sure I wasn’t available.

“No, I have to work all night. I don’t have a man at home paying the bills. I have to do that myself,” I said. Sometimes having a working class father pays off in dividends.

“Well, I can respect that,” he replied, just before he shut the door.

Jo Custer is a writer and an independent filmmaker trying to make a living out of that and cab driving. Some days work better than others. The next episode of Cab Fare will be up Wednesday, June 27. Follow on Twitter (#cabfare) or friend her on Facebook if you wish.

So you want to be Facebook friends with me, eh?

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Hey! Welcome to the official landing page for all those who have sent me a Facebook friend request who weren’t specifically invited to do so! No worries. This isn’t a test. Nor is it any kind of indictment for trying to add me as a friend even though we probably haven’t met face to face. I used to add everyone as a friend. Then one day I realized what a terrible idea that is without giving people an idea of what they’re getting into by being my FB friend.

We all use Facebook a little bit differently than the next person. Think of this as a guide.

* * *

1.) I use Facebook for a variety of purposes. It’s several things at once: a) A professional tool for keeping abreast of the arts and my colleagues in writing, film and theater, b) A personal aid for keeping abreast of my family, all of whom live over a thousand miles away from me, c) A writer’s resource for proofreading, feedback, critique & intellectual discourse, and d) Existential proof of my developing character, philosophies, beliefs and attitudes. One Facebook purpose doesn’t really dominate another; however, usually one is at the fore at any given point in time. My approach evolves and changes with experience and time, as do I.

2.) I expect people who read my page to at least attempt to get to know me so that they can interact with me in the best possible way. I am an introvert, and to be more specific, an INTJ. Among other things, introverts do not enjoy repeating themselves. I’ve noticed that more than once I probably could’ve saved a friendship by chasing after a person to let them know that they matter to me, but I always have the sneaking suspicion that had they been paying attention in the erstwhile, I wouldn’t have to say that. I love my friends and I like my acquaintances. Let’s agree to either put some effort into getting to know each other or to not waste each other’s time pretending that we already do. I’m not a number. Neither are you.

3.) You absolutely must practice responsibility for yourself. If you can’t own your words and deeds, we’re not going to get along. That doesn’t mean I will try to “fix” you (although I did spend a lot of years in that mind-frame). Rather, I am here on this earth to improve myself. That’s my job, and it is my business, in my way and at my speed. The same goes for you. This means thinking and speaking for yourself and making an honest effort to be genuine without trying to make something all about you. It’s about all of us and none of us, in my philosophy. If you think this is too much to ask, we’re never going to be friends. I’m just telling you now.

4.) If you’re socially conservative, we’re probably not going to get along. I am a bisexual, independent woman who strongly believes: a) Dismantling the welfare system is tantamount to genocide, b) Transgender and genderqueer people have every right to torture the English language pronouns as long as the English language remains inadequate to their identifying needs, and c) An inability to hear how you sound to any given minority is not an aphrodisiac.

5.) You may feel free at any time to discuss those two most fiery subjects of religion and politics. I am an unapologetic liberal–a former member of the Green Party before deciding on a permanent independent status–but I have many friends who are moderates and even fiscal conservatives. However–and I cannot emphasize this enough–you should probably be a skilled and courteous conversationalist, no matter what your views. I used to love to foster intellectual discourse on my Facebook page. Then I noticed a serious lack of tolerance from both sides of the aisle and reduced my political postings drastically. My rule of thumb for such discussions is that the best kind of persuasion is factual, well-informed give-and-take.

6.) Please don’t spam me. Since a lot of people don’t understand the full meaning of what it is to “spam” someone, please let me take a moment to cover all the bases. Don’t: a) Send me FB invite after invite just because I’m there, b) Put me on an email list without my permission, c) Send me and however many others a mass message (unless you are, say, inviting all of us to dinner or something similarly neighborly), d) Throw random links for stuff you’re shilling for onto my timeline without permission, OR e) Expect me to get involved in anything you’re into that you haven’t talked to me directly about before sending me info I didn’t ask for.

* * *

That covers things for now. You may wish to retract your request after reading–and if you do, please don’t hesitate to do so. You know you better than I do; I trust your judgment.

Thanks so much for reading. I look forward to getting to know you if you are so inclined.

Cab Fare #11: The OTR Edition

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Last Thursday, the Chevy Sonic rental and I traveled to Lily Dale, New York from Oil City, Pennsylvania. If your sense of Algonquin geography is hazy, that’s about a two-hour drive on state highways and back roads through the very heart of the old Standard Oil country through the Allegheny Plateau. The word plateau is a bit misleading. It is decidedly high country, full of farms and towns so small that the McDonald’s in Oil City was the last fast food I saw, even during my brief route through Jamestown. The closest things I saw to fast food there were a 7-Eleven (which delighted me) and a Marco’s Pizza, which we also have in New Orleans.

Mostly I drove through hills and valleys, lush vistas filled with crops and cattle and ample trees. Oil country is dotted with lumber towns, and that is what the area surrounding Jamestown, New York has most in common with its immediate southerly neighbors. Beyond that, though, the contrast between the two states is startling. You don’t need to see a giant “Welcome to New York” sign to know you’ve crossed over, which is a good thing. That sign doesn’t exist on these roads. Instead, the pavement changes, the architecture changes, the relationships between houses, barns and fields change. It’s aesthetically more pleasing. It’s easier to smile. That’s what happens when you leave the “State of Independence.”

Those who worked the oil fields hated John D. Rockefellar with a passion and, with the early death of the oil industry, held onto that grudge. It shows in the landscapes and in the mean-spirited architecture of houses and barns. Once in New York, though, all that is gone. Serenity lives in the fields and the grace and charm of the farmers and timberfolk of the lake country.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you that Lily Dale isn’t in lake country. It’s east of the Great Lakes and south of the Finger Lakes and dotted with water as far as the eye can see. Lily Dale itself lives on the shores of Cassadaga Lake, named for the village just outside its gate and borders.

If you look at your phone while you’re in Lily Dale, it will most likely tell you that you are in Pomfret. That was and is the village’s official name, but nobody calls it that. The Lily Dale Spiritualist Assembly that keeps the faith (and philosophy and science) of spiritualism alive and well in its largest concentration worldwide have subsumed that appellation seamlessly.

* * *

Ostensibly, I drove to Lily Dale to meet with a woman I used to date who we’ll just call Taxi. That’s the name of her cat (for the show), and she uses it as her Facebook moniker as well.

Taxi was staying for two nights with the purpose of a regressive reading. This is a specialized area, as far as I can gather, for spiritualists. Mediums who give regressive readings contact you in such a way as to be able to witness and discuss your past lives. I have never had any such reading, so I can’t really go into more detail, sorry, since Taxi didn’t actually receive hers. There was a misunderstanding when she booked and she got the general reading instead.

A pity, considering. The whole reason she had booked in the first place was to explore the possibility that her being a woman–(bisexual, but we don’t care for labels)–is some kind of punishment. I was quick to say that being a woman isn’t a punishment, but she said that it feels like it is. She believes she must have done something terrible to women in a past life to be given this body which feels wrong to her. I nodded.

If it feels like a punishment, then that is something she should explore.

This is self-care at a very conscious level.

Next year, when I return to Lily Dale on my annual vacation, I intend to try a regressive reading. I’m pretty sure that this is my first life. But I have a hunch that a regressive reading for someone in their first life could and would include what you were doing before you were corporeal, and that is something that holds endless fascination for me.

Next year, for sure.

The Lily Dale “Season” is only two months long, all of July and August. You can call in March, though, and volunteer for the season. Next March, I’ll see what I can do. Taxi and I marvel at the conversations we overhear while we’re there. It’s all rather old-hat for her. She grew up not far from there and has been making sporadic pilgrimages once every few years since her late teens. Listening to the conversations between the mediums, she said, is how you know who’s good. That’s why she didn’t run out and book a new regressive reading. The medium she wanted, the one she felt could help her, was all booked up for the rest of the season.

* * *

One conversation I did not get permission to record, but it demands a recitation. On my last morning in Lily Dale, I took my laptop to the village coffee shop. I couldn’t plug in my three prong laptop, though, and the battery quit before I got more than one sentence of this post written. The more I listened to the two mediums who had met for coffee in the same room, the more I became convinced that my inability to plug in my laptop was not a coincidence. I listened instead, sipping my coffee and staring out the window to make sense of their words.

A woman had come to Lily Dale from Brazil, where (Spiritists, probably) had given her a laced brew to achieve an altered state. Since arriving, she had seemed to be enshrouded in a dark cloud. First, her throat chakra had closed and she had choked in the middle of a workshop. At any rate, she couldn’t breathe for a bit. Then she had slipped someplace where no one should have slipped and was wearing a cast. “This is not a bad place,” the medium recounting these events averred. “This is a place of good and beauty.” He certainly had my attention.

He believes that the woman may have an entity attached to her, something that doesn’t want to be here. (Note: It is impossible to say what “here” refers to–Lily Dale; North America; Earth; the Milky Way Galaxy? But I also didn’t get the impression he thought he knew either.) He also explains why he believes this because apparently a lot of other mediums don’t. He reveals that his son has (or had) been struggling with drug addiction. One day, Dad got a call from a relatively new psychic friend in Michigan, unaffiliated with Lily Dale. The friend had called to tell him that his son had been attached with the spirit of another young man, one who had lived with their family but had died of a drug overdose. That had opened his eyes.

It’s not unusal for religions–even religions like Spiritualism, which incorporates science and philosophy into its beliefs and practices–to over-practive positivity. People have a natural tendency to ignore all sorts of negative feedback loops–physical, emotional, mental, and even spiritual. It’s also a tenet of more than one religion that drugs are bad. Some simply believe that drugs dull the physical senses too much and block spiritual communication. Others believe drugs–hallucinogens in particular–can rip open a hole in dimensions. The duo I’m eavesdropping on are decidedly a bit more in the latter camp than the former. They’re trying to come to grips with it. They agree that people do what they do, and that’s that.

From there, they digressed into a discussion of their various, past lives. The woman recently learned that she has had six persecuted lives, one of which occurred in Spain during their darkest of days, the Inquisition. In that life, she had found relief from being forced to burn to death by an asphyxiating smoke that found its way to her through some small act of pity. They both laugh at how, in that life, she felt lucky to have the smoke to kill her more quickly. She has had many things validated for her by this reading, and the main component of her laughter feels like relief. I’m trying not to draw attention to myself–hard to do when you’re a spiritually aware person among far more advanced spiritually aware people–but I smile too.

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

The far-from-narrow-minded Dad’s regressions story is even more compelling. In a past life, he murdered his then-wife. He has no doubt that he has been acting out the karmic memory of that life with his wife in this life. He describes another life wherein he is a twelve-year-old girl who provides homeopathic remedies to cure people. I have to admit that I got a little lost in my own reflections and missed out on the why, but the girl was lynched. He saw her hung from the rafters in a vision. Witnessing this brought sobs. Through tearful acknowledgment of these two sharply contrasting plot points on his spiritual journey, that karma was released.

* * *

The night before I left, if you’ll allow the backward time jump, I attended a messaging workshop. Message services are religious ceremonies for Spiritualists. A congregation sits in front of a medium or mediums who can speak to any and all spirits who approach them with messages for loved ones. I went to one, but not seeking a message for myself. I went to listen and to learn. I have no truly close loved ones who have passed away. The closest was my grandmother who died just before my birthday in 2007, and I can’t think of any reason why she would be bouncing around the earth’s atmosphere without a body. Nor do I need to hear from her. She already told me so much in her lifetime that I am still trying to utilize.

The messaging workshop’s theme was nature spirits, which is an interesting concept. I’ve never believed in fairies–sprites, nymphs, dryads, gnomes and the like–but apparently a lot of people do. The leading medium had an interesting story to share which altered my views.

She was doing regressive readings with two women in Colorado who had met and become fast friends with a strong bond. They requested the reading to specifically find out why they were such good friends, and the medium had read for each of them separately, as mediums do. She went through a few lives with each of them without discovering anything unusual until it turns out they each had one common experience. They had both, at one time, been without a body and living among trees in a wood. Both were tree spirits (or tree sprites) in a past life. Each knew that they didn’t have a body because every time they would say hello to someone who wandered along their path, the people could neither see nor hear them.

We were asked to go outside and find a leaf, twig or stone that spoke to us and to ask permission to bring it into the circle. I spotted a bright green bit of evergreen bush and asked it if I could pick it. It didn’t seem to object. We were then asked to exchange our leaf, twig or stone with a partner. A woman in Peruvian garb handed me her gnarled stick, and I gave her my bit of evergreen. Apparently, we are all mediums. This is a right-brained process. What you need to do is allow. I sat there for several moments waiting for Claire’s stick to send me a message for her to no avail. Then I remembered I’m a writer and that I needed to do what I always do, which is to start with the image of whatever I’m about to start imagining up.

The stick presented me with a volley of images, starting with it being buried in snow in the deep of winter. Then came a thaw and stick was floating on a river. Then came the waterfall, which the stick never went over. Instead, I saw the stick floating toward it in the same quick, sweeping motion over and over four or five times. It felt very confrontational, as though a decision had to be made, but that Claire wouldn’t necessarily have time to make a choice. I told her all this and she listened and questioned over and over until she felt she had it.

Her message for me took a decidedly different tack. A writer describes. A Peruvian-garbed alpha woman tells you what to do, apparently. Eh, no matter. It’s a good way to end this post.

She gave me the paper she wrote it down on. Here it is, in all its unedited glory:

a road + many vistas
Stop and see them all.
There is time for you to “smell the roses”
Travel — alot. [sic]
See this world you love
It is YOU.
See the world + know thyself.
Its a happy journey you take [sic]
go out, come back
move forward a little
go out, go back again
See it all, take it all in.
You will thrive!!! as you explore
all senses, see hear feel taste touch
all of it, take it all in!
Adventurer!

* * *

Jo Custer is a writer, filmmaker and cab driver on vacation with her family in northwestern Pennsylvania. She hopes to have a new Cab Fare: OTR Edition for you next Wednesday, since the Wednesday after that she will be getting settled into her new place in New Orleans, where she lives full-time. Thanks for reading.

Cab Fare: Episode #10 — The OTR Edition

I had meant to write a travel post and then a Cab Fare episode. Then I decided to combine them into an OTR Edition episode. Vive le hybridization.

Welcome to the ninth ward

I had meant to spend the first night of my working vacation in Mammoth Cave National Park, but New Orleans had other ideas. My moving guy and his bicycle-propulsion trailer got delayed by rains and a train on the far side of Arabi, by my storage unit. I didn’t leave the city until 9:22 pm, an hour and a half after dark. The sprinkling was but a soft reminder of the nearby Gulf by the time I reached the Mississippi border. I had been driving almost that far to ride my bike on the Tammany Trace from the Slidell trailhead for a few weeks in June so it didn’t feel like I had left yet.

Nor did it really by the time I reached Meridian, a town familiar to some cab drivers. The company for which I’ve been driving the last three years has an account with a railroad that sometimes brings one of us there, a mere three and a half hours from where I was staying in the 9th Ward before I left. Now I am homeless, technically, and without a cab. Things had started getting dicey before I even turned in my keys. My friend Michael got jumped just around the corner from my temporary abode after helping me finish with the move. My bike got stolen from the front porch a few nights later, which was my bad for not locking it up. A week and a half after that, I decided to walk to Quicky’s Discount Mart on Franklin Avenue one night to buy some water and some milk. It was a Saturday night and I probably left the house sometime between 10:30 and 11:15.

After about two blocks, I decided to cross to the other side of Franklin just because I felt like it. Both sides are equally poorly lit, but my destination was on that side. The left butt of the neutral ground (median) on that cross street has a massive oak tree completely shadowing the sidewalk; my mind whispered the obvious. Stay to the right. Someone could be hiding in those shadows. As I waited for a pair of headlights to pass a moment later, a youngish Latino in a white basketball outfit with green trim emerged from the shadows. “Would you like to come to my house?” he asked.

I shook my head and crossed. I know better than to engage in eye contact or to let my body language give any indication that this is appropriate behavior. I waited until after I had crossed and had made some tracks–and he had asked again–to yell over my shoulder that this was not an appropriate way to approach a woman he doesn’t know on the street. I made the final block to Quicky’s and got my milk and water and threw in some sugared cereal. By now I was a little cranky. Women shouldn’t have to deal with this bullshit, and yet we do every day, all over the world. I bought some Lucky Charms so I could feel like it was a Saturday morning in 1984.

I came out of Quicky’s and crossed almost immediately back to my side of Franklin, figuring the guy lived, or at least lurked, on the opposite side. Before I’d gone half a block, a large, white SUV slowed and the guy in the passenger seat asked, “Are you okay?” This is a universal bullshit line asked of women far too often. There were a couple of bicycles thrown haphazardly into the back of the SUV and neither driver nor passenger looked like a cyclist to me. I went back to facing front and decided to ignore them, even when they pulled into the parking lot I had just cleared. After a moment, they wheeled out, made a U-turn, and then another. Before I’d gone another full block, they had parked beside me. The one in the passenger seat got out and turned to face me.

I swung my head around without slowing my pace and read the license plate out loud in clear, motherfucking diction. “N39-8468.” Then I resumed facing front, perturbed but unimpeded. A red minivan came careening off of Franklin and onto the very next street, its driver pointing repeatedly to some nebulous spot right in front of his vehicle as he parked, the whole time yelling at me to get to where he was pointing. He’s angry I didn’t comply. By now, there’s only one thought on my mind.

WHAT FUCKING COUNTRY DO YOU PEOPLE THINK THIS IS?

One more block and my would-be Romeo–or rapist or human trafficker or drug dealer–has resurfaced in the neutral ground. I ignore him except to shake my head. I’m genuinely annoyed. I walked seven blocks round trip and had to deal with all that just to avoid feeling parched. When my housemate gets back from vacation in Minnesota, his home state, he’s incredulous. He had lived there for two years without any trouble.

That’s what he gets for being a guy. But I’ve had a small epiphany:

I wear my cab like camouflage and armor; without it, I’m just one sassy, walking target.

* * *

I got to Mammoth so late on Day 2 that I missed all the good cave tours. You can get a great spot for primitive camping without making a reservation because most campers want upgrades. A lot of them have RVs, which seem to be more ubiquitous in the southern and western halves of the country than they are in the northeastern quadrant. Makes sense. The Atlantic seaboard is crowded. Along Interstate 95, which originates in southern Florida and travels all the way up through Maine until it hits Canada, only two spots are codified as rural. Everything else is either urban or suburban. Go look at it on a map and consider the implications of that for a moment.

That’s crowded, yo.

The thing I love most about Mammoth is that it’s anything but crowded, even down in the earth. The air in the caves stays moist without becoming dank, essentially working like a giant, inverse, convection oven. Every 12-16 hours, the air in the tunnel expels into the atmosphere and draws new breath, a litte of which is always escaping at its openings. The maw of the Historic Entrance feels as cool and inviting as it looks. It can bring out the closet spelunker in anyone.

Mammoth Historic Entrance

My visit this year was mixed. Last year I took the Historic Tour, a two hour overview of some of Mammoth’s highlights–minus a few grisly visual aids. Once upon a time, the preserved bodies of semi-ancient, native explorers stayed put where they had perished. Then, after over a century of tours, the Department of the Interior was authorized to bury indigent, human remains in national parks using the parks’ national funding. All the bodies were exhumed. Disappointment materializes on the faces of kids and adults alike as this is announced and for a moment we are all ageless apes, gazing at this treacherous boulder that had once pinned a man until the cave claimed him.

* * *

This year, I had to settle for rest and repose. I went for a walk in the woods. I took some video of a doe entertaining some of my fellow campers by our communal bathhouse.

I slept under a slender, young oak, thankful for being out of my sweltering city.

* * *

Writer, filmmaker and cab driver Jo Custer is on a working vacation in Pennsylvania at the moment. Her next OTR (Over-the-road) Cab Fare post will publish in two weeks.

BLOG HOP!

While in Mammoth Cave National Park last week, a DM from Sione Aeschliman asked if I wanted to participate in a blog hop. Thankfully, I had wifi in the tent and was able to say yes.

(Tip: Trick to remote, tent wifi? Camp by the ranger station.)

In brief, I’ll introduce Sione, tackle some writing questions, then introduce two more writers.

One of my favorite writer/editors, Sione’s someone all writers should follow on Twitter:

S. H. Aeschliman is a freelance editor; a writing coach; and a writer of strange poetry, speculative fiction and creative nonfiction. Her work has been published in various online and print journals and ‘zines, including Inaccurate Realities, VoiceCatcher, thedarkerhalf.com and DaveJarecki.com. In 2014 she’s traveling around the U.S. and Europe, practicing her foreign languages, and working on a collection of short speculative fiction stories that all touch on the theme of conformity. She also irregularly maintains a travel blog, on which she sometimes posts poetry and cultural critique in addition to travel tales.

Visit Sione’s blog here: Sione Aeschliman

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in which I answer the tough questions, like “What am I writing?” and “How is what I am writing different from others of its genre?” and “What is my writing process like?”

* * *

My current labor of love is a non-fiction book, Cab Fare: The Real Cost of Driving a Cab. A journalistic approach to revealing how modern cab culture developed and where it might be headed, Cab Fare will examine the industry in the emerging, national “sharing economy,” but focus on the unique implications for the largely untamed environment of New Orleans.

As part of the research for the book, I’ve been reading works by other cab drivers. Most people remember Taxi, but few know of the live-in feature article that spawned the show, “Night-Shifting for the Hip Fleet.” Possibly the first serious attempt to journalize the experience of the cab driver, it wasn’t the last. A driver calling himself the Night Cabbie also wrote a column for several years in the San Francisco Chronicle, until he grew tired of being a poor cab driver.

Other cabbies around the country publish fiction. Much of it leans toward noir and mystery. But a few writer/cabbies have delivered anecdotal, non-fiction books. Of those, I’m currently reading Hack: Stories from a Chicago Cab, a set of wandering, atmospheric stories enhanced by the Russian-American author’s hand-drawn portraiture supplied throughout. Published by the University of Chicago Press, I expect this one to be the most cogent of its kind. Two others were written by New York cabbies and appear more shock value-oriented than substantive.

Cab Fare: The Real Cost of Being a Cab Driver will essentially pick up where “Night-Shifting for the Hip Fleet” and the Night Cabbie left off. While “books written by cab drivers” appears to be a genre unto itself, no book like Cab Fare currently exists. It’s not hard to fathom why if you’re in the biz. Try researching the taxi industry sometime. Veteran cabbies are dead or dying; the longest memories only stretch back 30-40 years at most. It involves more than experiential reporting. It requires digging through unusual channels. It demands original research.

When I began driving three Augusts ago, I knew I would write about the cab life. I just didn’t know what form that writing would take. After I got comfortable with making a living at it, I started a blog. It was a slow process, with lots of time away from the blog to finish editing a short film, to have a relationship, and to try and come to terms with the harsh reality of being a cab driver in a city packing multiple miseries for those in the service industry.

I entered a serious depression in the middle of 2012, partly because I had chosen to start dating someone who suffers from depression, but mainly because I felt lost. I tried to make another short film as I let go of the relationship and pulled out of my fog, but that attempt failed too.

Then something fell into place for me.

I’ve always regrouped by writing, by finding my center and sticking to something until the world made sense again to me. I returned to blogging with renewed faith in myself, at a new fork in the road. With time, it became clear that the only way to not waste my time as a cab driver was to write a non-fiction book about the industry as my way of clearing the planetary karma I’ve created while coming to grips with the job. I also want to treat the cause-and-effect timeline of events that brought me to New Orleans to drive a cab in the first place. It’s not a straight line.

My writing process resembles my thought processes as an INTJ. I keep this public blog to air moments of personal challenge, crises, and self-discoveries. In tandem with and as outgrowth of that, I’ve also started writing memoir and fiction with an eye towards publication. It should go without saying that a journalistic approach to writing from a live-in viewpoint involves some amount of reflexivity. I have yet to find the perfect balance between personal and professional discovery, but that is the guiding principle which informs the book’s genesis. The rest is just scribbled journal notes, audio takes, interviews, and feedback on the social media.

* * * * *

Meet Tricia (“Trish”) Orr:

In 2002, I was an English as a Second Language tutor for several middle-grade children whose parents had come to study at the law school in the city where I lived at the time – Concord, New Hampshire. Most of the kids had the ability to read English somewhere in the beginner-intermediate range, meaning they weren’t quite ready for the books their peers were reading (the first Harry Potter had just come out at this time) and yet were beyond most picture book material.

The impulse to write that had first revealed itself in my own childhood was reawakened, and I began writing stories for my young students. Since then, I’ve completed two middle-grade novels, and in recent years, I’ve turned my attention to crafting short stories and poetry for adults as well. Whether writing for young people or adults, I like creating stories that feature quirky characters with settings that often serve double-duty as emotional landscapes as well as vehicles for growth.

I’ve been influenced by a wide array of authors, including middle grade childrens’ authors Linda Sue Park, Ginny Rorby, and M.T. Anderson, poets Jane Hirshfield, Maya Angelou and A.E. Stallings, and adult fiction authors Jonathan Safran Foer, Tim Horvath and Scarlett Thomas, among others.

Find Trish’s blog here: http://writeorrelse.com/

Additionally, you may follow her on Twitter: @writeorrelse

Meet Tabitha:

Tabitha is a female writer, the oldest of five children, who has Rheumatoid Arthritis. She loves reading and writing among many other varying interests, and is always multi-tasking, keeping herself entertained, and enduring the curse of a million different tabs open in her browser at any one time. You can find her on Twitter @windmillstilt and Facebook as totiltwithwindmills as well!

Tabitha’s blog: http://totiltwithwindmills.wordpress.com

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Cab Fare: Episode #9

Sonic

I procured my first prospective groom-to-be in the cab at the Kenner Sonic Drive-In. I’ve never eaten at Sonic and, judging by the greasy coating on his paper bag, I never will.

The poor thing had to blink several times after getting in the car. It’s not the first time a drunk who has never seen a woman behind the wheel of a cab has tried to blink away a mirage. Not many of us drive at night during prime bar hours. Two weeks ago when I handed in my keys, I could count all such women drivers on one hand within Jefferson Parish’s largest taxi service–four, maybe five. That was including me.

After I brought him to his apartment complex on Riverside Drive, he spent another moment blinking at me. Then he asked me to marry him.

I laughed. I really hadn’t expected that. He opened the door and, still blinking, got out and stumbled toward the next thing, a locked gate.

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have laughed. Drunks don’t really need people laughing at them. For all I know, he had lost his job that day. For all I know, he had lost a loved one.

(Note: Since this writing, I’ve made a new policy: No laughing at drunk people.)

My second proposal took a lot longer and has proven to be the template for almost every other proposal I’ve gotten in the cab. I call him Mr. Clean for his almost full-headed baldness and thick, metal hoop rings. I don’t think the resemblance was deliberate.

Mr. Clean strolled out of Liuzza’s on West Metairie to inform me that he had just won $8,000 at video poker and was headed up to the Off-Track Betting on Joe Yenni Boulevard to try his luck at some real money. Also, he felt like getting hitched.

Mr Clean

One of those nights with a fine mist rolling off the lake, even the dullest of store signs and the traffic lights were more interesting to look at while he ranted in the back seat.

I’ve had exactly one real-life marriage proposal. I didn’t take that one seriously either, but they have a commonality. They both asked multiple times. I think John, my ex, asked fifty times before I relented and said yes to stem the flow of crocodile tears.

Mr. Clean didn’t cry. He kept asking, incredulous, as though getting the right response were a matter of cranking repetition, like getting three sets of cherries on a slot machine.

We went through the following bit at least four or five times with little variation:

“You don’t want to get married?”
“Not right now.”
“Do you want to come in and place some bets?”
“Not tonight.”
“And you’re sure you don’t want to get married?”
“I am. Trust me. I’ve thought this through completely.”

I’m starting to miss the greenhorn days a bit. I’m forgoing a lot of fun by focusing more on the bottom line. Sure, it’s nice to have a mission in life and all, but Abbott and Costello-like routines at three am outside of a casino do possess a certain charm.

These days, I would simply deflect with a joke as I got out of the car–something like, “Eh, you don’t want to marry me. I only like to fuck guys up the ass with a strap-on.” Then I would open his door while he was still working out how to use that to his advantage.

The Golden Rule serving your best interests in service and a healthy bottom line, by the way, is opening the car door for people–both when they get in and when they get out. I do this as often as weather and sensibility permit. Some people just want to get gone.

Then there’s Dr. Mushroom.

Once a longtime regular who appears to have moved or perhaps found a personal driver, Dr. Mushroom was renowned among the office staff and drivers alike. A trifle unpredictable in his barhopping and free with both talk and tips, he decided we should get married the third time I picked him up. I was trying to make a three-point turn in a narrow parking lot.

He gave me his calling card, a funny, little thing that essentially told everyone who received one yes, mushroom in the hallucinogenic sense pictorially.

I had to turn my head from side to side as I was maneuvering and I guess some moonlight limned my face, causing a monosyllabic reaction from the good doctor.

“Let me see you?” he said. I flipped on the interior lights mid-turn and looked at him. He was a very affable fellow and, for all I knew, I had some schmutz on my face.

“Oh, gosh, you’re really pretty. Are you married?”
“No,” I laughed.
“Would you like to get married?”

Dr Who

“Nah, I’m good,” I said. Essentially turning down a drink on this one, I kept my voice soft. Dr. Mushroom’s a gentleman, even blind drunk. If I were only a slightly different person, I wouldn’t have said no to a drink with him. I was depositing him at his next bar for the night, an out-of-the-way Metairie offering in the Lakeside area. He kept adding singles to his tip because each time I turned around, he decided he had undervalued my prettiness.

“Are you sure you don’t want to get married?” he asked once more before stepping outside. The dispatcher saved me from making further denials. A cabbie grabbing the mic to take instructions from the dispatcher tends to bring people back to the context of the moment. Dr. Mushroom followed suit and sighed off into the next bar, still a gentleman.

Things came full circle when I picked up the man from Sonic again.

He was sober this time. He didn’t remember me.

“Dave,” I shrugged into the radio with mock-seriousness, “I’m a little disappointed.”
“Why’s that?”
“Remember that guy who proposed to me almost a year ago? Well, I just had him in the cab again and he didn’t remember me.”

There’s a long pause and, as usual, a wee bit of of suspense. A driver never really knows if the night dispatcher’s going to see the humor in something or apply Vulcan logic to it.

“I think that should give you some pretty good insight into the male psyche,” he finally said.

I drove around a lot that night, wondering what I was doing with my life. Cab drivers tend to think about that a lot. Sometimes I think the best of us get out of the business early.

But humans have a capacity for resilience, an innate programming to make order out of those parts of the universe with which they come into contact, with the people who move them the most. You might not know it to look at me, but I am one of those people.

images

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Jo Custer is on a working vacation, a cab-funded writing sabbatical, as of yesterday. The next post will probably be a travel post from somewhere on the mid-Atlantic seaboard.

The next Cab Fare episode will go live on the morning of Wednesday, August 6.